Hellin By Night

 

Ah ! Hellin ! Wonderful town of contrast ! There are tons of things you can do here, but before we check these out, you’ll have to remember your starting point must be the parliament. It is situated in the middle of King Jacob street in the upper part of the town, and also in it’s center. You’ll see practically everything from here, it’s the easiest way not to get lost !

 

As you’ll maybe have the chance to see, what’s marvellous here by night is that everything is illuminated twice more than in a normal town ! Our generous and marvellous king Jacob decided so in order to cheer people up … Isn’t it wonderful ? It’s quite like the omen of a good night !

 

The numerous neon signs will attract your attention, and you’ll be able to admire work from the greatest artists of the country : the sculptor Filipe Klaudel in it’s Rode Art Gallery, the open doors of the Royal Art School of Hellin … and if your children are bored, you’ll just have to take the bus and immerse in the magic of our amusement parks or in the depths of our water park !

 

What you’ll see secondly is naturally the Loo Taverns and Loo restaurants, which are scattered all around the town in order to receive the young generation, who (it has to be said) have a particular liking to alcohol … but we don’t really care ! In fact, these taverns being possessed by the state, it permits to recover funds to make the Loolander’s life better ! You’ll naturally be clever enough not to pay attention to those who say the king earns most of the benefices, those are untruthful slanderers ! The Loo taverns also give an opportunity to dissuade young people from going to those so called parties organised by this “Catharsis Company”. Those … subversives, those terrorists ! They make a point of honor to organise free parties all around the town, in the most abhorrent, filthy and most of all, secret places, where they headbang on some electronica … They fight our government in order to obtain the right to listen to all that rubbish they usually call with many names : dubstep, drum’n’bass, house, hardteck, chill, electro, tribecore … and all those categories of music which were prohibited and banned years ago by our well-bred and omniscient king Jacob. The unique goal of this noisy collective is to make as much noise as possible. If you have any information about bars or places where those meetings could eventually take place, please contact us.

 

Despite this little downside, Hellin is of course a very active town where concerts are organised everywhere at any time. You can listen to musicians from the Royal School of Hellin at the White Note, a jazz club hanged by the better musicians of the state. You can also choose to go to Hellin’s Craddle, our great opera and it’s talents and musical comedies that would make jealous Tchaikovski himself ! And if you’re not convinced by the magnificence of our town, you can try to enter the Olympus. It’s basically the most hype place in Looland, frequented by the upper crust off the state. Every loolander would die to be invited here. This magnificent building will strike down your doubts simply by the way it looks. But unfortunately, you’ll probably have to stay in front it without any hope to enter. Rumors talk about overgrowth parties which decadence would make the Sun-king drool at, and even about opium dens … but we’re not allowed to answer to any question.

 

Finally, you are strongly invited to go to our shop, next to the Crown Theatre, where you’ll be able to buy our little treasures … that would be sad if you forgot your trip to easily, wouldn’t it ? Those who’ll buy more than three hundred dollaz of merchandises will be given a free place for the representation of the masterpiece “ King Jacob, such a hero ! “.

 

 

=> Well … you want paradise ? Visit Looland ! <=

 

 

 

 

 

 

This article was taken from Hellin’s Tourist Center’s website, which was hacked by the Catharsis Company two days after the publication of this article. The only message they left was a thirty-minute mix which is, because of the lack of preparation from the king’s technicians, still on the front-page of the site.

A very special day

Welcome ! It's Looland Flash News !

Like everybody knows today is the coronation of our new King Jacob the 56. It's a beautiful day. I'm presently standing in front of the Looland Royal Castle. We are now waiting for more than 24 hours. Some of our fellow citizen have been camp out for the last 3 days with the hope to be the first to see the King. The atmosphere is full of joy. We can feel the excitement !!!!!!! let's now interview one of the brave inhabitant:
"-So ! Why are you so excited about this day ?

-Well, it's not every day that we can celebrate this kind of event !! yipi !! I love the monarchy ! I love my king and I love my country ! Go Looland !!!!!!!!

- since when exactly have you been camping out ?

- it's been one week ! I came here with my family and my friends ! It's going to be a very moving moment ! I'm happy to be here with my children, I hope that they going to remember this day for the rest of their life ! The only problem is that the floor is quite hard but it's not a big deal ! The important for us is to be toghether !"

"-what do you expect for this new king ?

-Well, i hope that he will rise the sleep time at work ! We work 4 hours a day and we just have 45 min time break ! 50 min would be so much better !!"

 "-and you ? What do you expect ?

 -Hum ! I wish that we will not have to take too much decision because it's mean meeting and so I will be disturbed in my preparation of the Looland Beer's Competition !"

 

Waouw  !! A beautiful crapmobile is coming !! I am wondering who that can be !!Oh my god !! Mister Looland arrives !! the most famous celebrety of looland !! He is here to participate to the event ! He will crownd the new king !!
well I have to say you goodbye! Enjoy this beautiful day !! have fun !!
it's was Mister News on Looland Flash News !

 

The KantBiaskTeam

The descriptions of the available films

Here, you can see some descriptions on these movies.

 

1 - President's genealogy.

It is an abomination, if you don't know the history of our President. It talks about all Looland's Presidents, which laws they instaured? What they did to people to become free? With wich personn Presidents get married, and with who did they got children? All these questions are answered in this film because, it is very important to know, and to become less idiot.

 

2 - President's life.

Are you curious? Do you love to know everything on everyone?

So this serie it is realised just for you. Each days, there is a new episodes about the President's life, what he does with his family on the day...it means NOTHING!

 

3 - The convicter prisonners.

Even if you give advices to someone, this personn will never listen to you. So, in this film we can see the consequences of people who doesn't obey to the President...but what could you say if it is "you should have listen to me".

The surprise it's to see, how these people die and decomposes.

You should see it because it is very funny to watch.

 

4 - The duties of a women.

It is for women who are loosing their ways, for women who wants to copy the other bad countries where woman "are emancipated", for men and women who are forgotten their laws: men are working and women are in the house.

This film show us what a man or a woman can or cannot do. A  film produced for a better understanding in a couple. A lot of stories and funny testimonies of couples who lost their place and told us how they have changed.

 

5 - Wine and alcohol.

"For a good health, please, drunk wine three times per day".

This one of many laws which has been instaured. So, in this film we can see the history

of wine, and it's kind deed. Wine, it is our pride, and the best in the worldwide! So come to see it!

 

Few details about : LoocineLand.

Cinema is very present in our culture.

All movies we made became famous, because it had a great succes in Looland.

There is only one cinema which called  "LoocineLand".

There are a few interesting films.

The only themes which are allowed to be diffused in this country, it is about the President and his family; convicted prisonner; wives; wine and alcohol.

These themes are choosen because it makes people laugh and it is comic.

All of these films are the same since more than two or three centuries, but from generation to generation, we modernize these ones, by bringing new ideas to please customers.

 

The dresscode required to come in Loocineland:

- MEN: Black and White Scratches suits.

- WOMEN:  Purple and Pink Scratches bikini, with "pareo" and lovely scratches heels.

- CHILDREN: Yellow and Orange Scratches T-Shirt and Pantalons.

 

 

***An advice just for you, because we take care of our customers : Don't forget to watch all these films, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO BE SANCTIONNED.

Watch these movies at least three times per months.

Every 10 years, we bring some modification to make you happy.

Come on to watch some movies for a REALLY GOOD PRICE, just for 100 dollaz per movies and per personns.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looland

Looland's unforgettable hotels and restaurants

If you want to visit Looland, you will have to find a place to stay at night. Here are some hotels you would never forget :

One of the most famous hotels in Looland is this one, Paul's coffins.

The hotel owner, Paul Tarse, an old gothic man, never had the chance to find a hotel which allows him to be himself. That's why he decided to create this hotel. You would have the unique chance to sleep in a coffin during your life. Rest in peace... The price for a night is 150$.

If you want to have a stay in this hotel which is in Looland, send an email to Mr Tarse: [e-mail]

 

 

Another hotel you will never forget is called Woof.

This hotel is situated in the countryside, about 5 miles from Roughkov. The owners are found of dogs! They decided to built this hotel by their own and one of their choices was to create an environnement for humans with dogs' lifestyle... The price for a night is 90$ per personn.

If you want to know more about this hotel, you can send an email to Mr and Mrs Loan: [e-mail]

 

 

The Boxing Spirit Hotel is situated in Hellin, the capital of Looland.

When the King realised there where not enough place in Hellin he had the idea of this hotel, that's why it is the first hotel in Looland where you can sleep in a kind of box hanged in the air. There isn't any bathroom nor restroom in the boxes. If you go there, you would be at 200 meters above the ground. The most amazing thing is : if you go to this "hotel", you will have to be in the box at 21pm as it would go up, and it would only go down at 10am the next day. In general, if the weather is windy, you won't be able to sleep well because the box would move all night because fastenings are faulty. The price for a night is 200$.

To get more informations, get in touch with the owner: [e-mail]

 

 

Now that you know where to sleep you probably want to know where to eat. Here is a list of Looland's finest restaurants :

 

Crapitto's ** :

This restaurant situated in Hellin is the best Italian restaurant in all of Looland. Crapitto's offers the best of Iatalian cuisine with the exception of pastas and pizzas because Loolanders find those disgusting. Still, if you want a tiramisu Crapitto's is the best place to get one. 

 

 

 

 

 

Captain Octopus ****** :

Captain Octopus is the only six stars restaurant in the world. To taste the very best of Looland's specialities such as oysters rockfeller, the poor man's shrimp and the lemon octopus, you must come to this restaurant situated in Roughkov.

 Loolanders elected Captain Octopus as their favourite restaurant for the past 50 years.

Big Wong *** :

This restaurant was the first of many Chinese restaurant in Looland, and remains the most loved one. If you like chinese cuisine you can only love the new improved chinese cuisine by Loolanders chefs. Here you'll find the very famous recipe in all of Looland : braised dog with a northern sauce.

 

 

 

Captain Octopus.

History, Part Three

-In 1750, Olympic Games (OG) were organized and approved by the international community, however nobody came because, let's face it, it was (how can we say politely ?) not really attractive...
Loolander played anyway, and won, of course, every single medals. Because the OG were supported by the international OG organization, all the medals were legitimate and that is how, Looland entered in History by breaking the world record of medals' winning.

-1875 is essential for churchgoers. Indeed, the main religion which used to burry the dead (no kidding..) thought that the coffins were too expansive. Therefore they chose to use old giant bottles of beer from the Jacobeer Factories. The undertaker were traditionally the french people, so they called that "the mise en bière", which literally means " put in a beer".

-1901 the great fire of "Hellin"
One of the worker celebrated his birthday on the roof. They had scheduled a Bonfire but the fire started fast, therefore Loolander do not celebrate birhtdays anymore.

Hellin burning during the great fire

The KantBiaskTeam

The Daily Jakob : Education

 

 

 

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The Daily Jakob

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King's Visit in Hellin High School

 

Last night, at 2 a.m, King Jakob Strauss-Barbosh visited a classroom of what is considered as the best High School of the Capital ( with a success rate at the final exam of 9.7 %).

 

 

 

  What a good surprise for students during their maths lesson yesterday : in this night of work, the King of Looland attended to this boring lesson while Mr. Skware-Rüt, the professor, pretty drunk, was sleeping on his desk. The students, who were smoking together (and not only tobacco), intoned the song “God save the King” when J.S.B entered in the classroom. The King is very respected in Looland High Schools because he is known to distribute sweets to pupils who give him a kiss, sign of respect in Looland.

 

   The drunk teacher woke up during the patriotic song and began to dance, one more time, on his desk and finally fell down on the vodka infested floor, completely sick.

 

    The King said to the journalists that he was “very very proud of the High School” and that “the quality of teaching here is probably the best of the world”. We can just confirm King's words when we hear pupils testimonies : “We very happy of King !” - “ Cheeeers !!” …

 

    The visit finished with a speech of the King, in the classroom, in front of four journalists (from the Daily Jakob) and two pupils only waiting for more sweets. We must say that the other students escaped by the windows to go to sleep after six days non-stop working (sleepless...).

 

                                                                       

     

 The classroom at 5 a.m ...

 

 

                                                                         The Daily Jakob education department

 

 

 

What about religions in Looland ?

 

The Daily Jakob, Tuesday, 31st, February :

 

Since the recent events which occurred in Hellin, your favorite newspaper suggests to recap the current situation for those who are lost.

 

Our Good and Wonderful God Dijkstra has been insulted by cruel opponents. Our mission consists in keeping you aware and in opening your eyes upon this potential danger.

Last Tuesday, a group of demonstrators committed an awful blasphemy, perturbing violently the sacred flash-mob of the week. Our community was supposed to dance the Macarena joyfully and peacefully, when some people sprang out from the shadow in order to boycott our ceremony. They switched off the sweet music of Macarena and began to dance the profaned dance of the demons : THE SHUFFLE. They appeared wearing disgusting flashy clothes, most of them were long-haired, told the witnesses, and were glowering at our community members while shuffling among them to frighten the dancers.

 

 
An audio extract in which you can hear the terrified dancers shouting during the attack.

 

These events can obviously be linked with the kiwi-attack that occurred last month : let's remember that the same kind of disgruntled people found funny the idea of throwing kiwis - the Forbidden Fruit - at the priest Bill Yves, who was severely wounded.

 

Bill Yves accepted to answer our question about his feelings after the kiwi-incident and the flash-mob's boycott, and thought it was important to keep faith.

 

Sansor Cheep : "How do you interpret the recent events? Should it be considered as an insult to our God Dijkstra ?

 

Bill Yves : “First of all, I feel personally insulted and betrayed... as though my soul had been soiled. I think I will have to follow a psychological treatment, a heart purification, and... a Soul Washing. THIS is an insult, and we will never accept to be threatened into renouncing to our faith.”

S.C. : “What do you plan to do to control the opponents ?”

B. Y. : “Our enemies are not as numerous as we are. If we improve our connection with our God Dijkstra, they will never escape from his hands. That's why I suggest we increase our number of interventions. Let me refresh the reader's memory : Twice a day, my fellows and I call people in the streets through loudspeakers, and we transmit to them Dijkstra's wisdom and orders. For instance, yesterday, they were told to wear pink ties and the day before yesterday, to eat five peppers to purify their soul. And we already have many others Dijkstra's thoughts to transmit to the dijktsrastors, our well-loved brothers. Dijkstra's Wisdom can't be denied.”

 

S.C. : “What about traditional songs and other practices?”

 B. Y. : “The daily prayer consists in  doing  exercises of mathematics while singing Elton John's songs, before going to sleep. The prayers mustn't be disturbed . The opponents could never profane this voice from Heart.  Besides, the number of flash-mobs will be increased so as to prevent our enemies from perturbing it. Weekly Flash-mobs are still the best way to gather dijkstrastors around common values.”

S. C. :"Tash for reminding our readers the main principles of our religion."

We will try to inform you about the following events, Chick !

 

The Daily Jakob - 16th of June

News of the day :

 

Greetings fellow Loolanders ! For all our fans, we have once again gathered all the details, stories and facts about our truly wondurful royal highness, the one and only King Jakob ! That's right folks, He shall never let you down and will always be a source of inspiration.

Yesterday morning, after a painful early wake up call (11h45am !!), the king of kings was served three sausages in a custard bowl, springled with choped oignons and finished with a fine chocolate and mango sauce !

After running to the dirty hole and putting on his luxurious ostrich feather suit, king Jakob entered his rolling cart and went to the pop corn room see the latest film, "smelly mission 3" with Tohm Crouzz. 

That's all for today folks, chick and be seeing you !

WH-CS